Sixty days of waiting have passed ,and my friend has called to powerful man's help ,but everything seemed going to the forgetful situation or so on ...
My hope has been covering by gray clouds and blue sky has been changing into gray sky ,the immense space in front of me has been step by step become smaller and smaller ,My daughter's future has been faded gradually then to be closed forever and ever ,hope has been becoming disappointed ,the beam of light at the end of the tunnel has been disappearing ,sorrow has been appearing in my family .How We can overcome this unhappiness to expect our long await happiness come due to Joy hasn't come with us yet at the present time !

July 16th ,2008

It was the 36th ceremony of your date of death two days ago ,my dear late father ,but I couldn't do anything to celebrate it instead your grandsons and granddaughters held a simple party to remind everyone in the family about the date that you have passed over in a remote region far from our home ,and I ,the oldest son of the family, didn't come back in time to see off you to the other world .
I am very terrible sorry that I couldn't hold a ceremony on your 36th date of death ,I was very sad but I couldn't do anything else ,I tried my best to take care of your granddaughter during her exams and It made me exhausted .
In front of your altar I ask for your forgiveness and if everything will be good I will never forget your sacrifices for our lives .
Once more ,please forgive my fault .

A Son of yours

July 12th ,2008

That was the first time I had came to a Drama Theater to watch a play ,its title was " the insane man's tears " .
During nearly three hours of performance the drama described the plot of a married woman ,who was unfaithful to her husband to have an extramarital relations with a doctor ,who worked at the mental hospital ,In order to be free in their secret relations ,the unfaithful woman concocted a plot to send her husband into the mental hospital with Doctor's help even he has only had a shock due to his child has been died that made him lost his mind .
The content of the play showed us that if a long time a couple didn't give each other love they will be very easy to get to betrayal ,specially women .It seemed love in women's hearts is very strong and they will give the other who has followed them patiently and have sweet voice .
Tears of the insane husband were the most valuable lesson for any man who didn't give her wife enough love .When women loved they ready to give everything that she had even her love and her body to satisfy her wishes even betray their husbands

July 2008

I was born In a small village of a province in Central Vietnam ,where almost people had been passed through the hunger and lots of people had been died of hunger in the years of 1945-1946 ,My grandfather was a mandarin of Nguyen dynasty ,he was the oldest son got married with one oldest daughter in a family who was a member of noble descent ,and me ,I was oldest son of one's oldest son ,so when I was born , I had got lots of birthday presents from the madarins of Nguyen Dynasty .As I was told ,almost of presents were expensive yellow clothes because yellow was symbol of Royal Descent . By 1954 my family had migrated to the South ,left behind my grandmother and big properties after got the title "Land Owner "(dia chu )We had to escape from our house on Lunar New Year's Eve of the year of 1954 under direction of my mother ,six of us had walked for three days and nights to get to Phu Ly town ,where we could take passenger vehicle straight to Ha Noi where we stayed overnight, then next early morning we took train to Hai Phong ,the land of freedom ,My mother's feet had been swollen up due to we had walked for three days ,a woman with six children escaped from the new ruling circles at midnight of New Year's Eve .I couldn't imagine how my mother could arrange to protect us perfectly during those days ,even there were lots of check points on the road ,Wow! what a great woman !
We got to train station with the help of a secret guide,who my father sent to from Hai Phong , After discussed secretly in hotel in Ha Noi last night between my mother and him ,we followed him secretly to avoid security officers' discovery with train ticket in pocket of each of us ,even each member in the family couldn't contact to each other along the road ,we were strangers since we left our house until the guide could contact with all of us ,he knew when and where he could do it ,success or faillure depended on cleverness of each of us because secret security officers' eyes kept a close watch on you all the time, but finally all of us got on the train safely ,we had to separate as the guide told us before got on the train to avoid the attention of the strangers .The train was speeding straight ahead ,there wasn't any empty seat ,we had to stand all the way to Hai Phong under secret watching of my mother ,during our journey my mother had to carry my youngest brother in her arms ,I admired her sacrifices and hardships during the past days !
I looked out of the train through windows ,suddenly I saw a color soldier was on duty in front of the main gate of French's barracks and the guide went freely straight to the place where my mohter with my brother in her arms, were standing ,with his happy face he told mother everything since he had been sent to guide us ,my mother waved us come with them and the guide gave each of us a loaf of bread .I felt hunger and had devoured my bread .May be this was the first time I had such delicious bread ! In my opinion I thought that from now on ,we could enjoy the freedom after a long journey full of hardships and danger . What a miracle trip !
We followed the guide after the train had stopped at the station ,at the gate ,next to the staff who checked ticket ,my father with happy face and manner went toward my mother then opened his arms to carry my brother from hers ,we had been welcomed by many the others who came here soon ! A wonderful family reunion !
My father had escaped from my village after he had been released from the prison due to his activities in Catholic Church ,he also encouraged for migration movement from the North to the South ,thus they planed to arrest him once more, but fortunately my father knew their plot so he had escaped to the safe region before they could perform ! What a great man !
My family had lived together in Hai Phong for 6 months ,but according to Geneve Convention ,Hai Phong city will be incorporated into the North ,so once more my family and all the others ,who want to be enjoyed freedom they will be shipped to the South to settle there .
Soon the program had been performed ,my family once more on board ,excepted my father had to stay in Hai Phong to continue his duty ,My mother once again had to guide all of us during hard journey to cross immense ocean to the free land ,We didn't have any experience about a journey by boat ,so we were on board very soon ,we had to stay in the deepest deck ,it was very hot to stay in this deck ,especially almost of us had been nauseated and felt very tired during the journey ,but sometime we could go to upper deck to have a look the beatiful landscapes on the sea ,fortunately ,one evening ( actually we couldn't know daytime or nighttime during we stayed in the deepest deck ,It was a nice surprise for me to get there in the evening )when I went to the upper deck the ship were running on Ha long Bay and the first time I could see the beautiful landscapes there ,What a beautiful landscape !
What must be must be ,The big ship anchored at Bach Dang wharf ,in front of us the magnificant Saigon City ,The Far East Pearl . Along the Bach Dang street there were lots of people who came to welcome their relatives ,there were some desks where we had to contact to get the allowance ,I still remember each of us got 800 VND ,we also had been issued clothes before we had been transported to a ground space that was opposite to the army's stadium now ,it is Hoang van Thu park ,where we had been stayed in the tents for three months ,our food had been issued by migration committee everyday ,after three months we moved to my relatives' house at Bach Dang married quarters in Quang trung ,During the period of time we stayed here we got a bad news ,my second elder sister ,who was a nun ,had been drowned at sea when her monastery went swimming at Lang Co Beach in Hue on summer holidays ! My mother was grieving for my sister many days later What an unhappy Day !
When Hai Phong had been transfered to new ruling circles ,my father started moving to Saigon ,I still remember that ,when I recieved information about my father's coming I went to Bach Dang Wharf to welcome him ,but I didn't see him ,instead I lost my way and finally I had been taken to a police station to stay and wait for the decision of City Hall to take me back to my family at Bach Dang married quarters by a lorry .I was very happy to see again my family after three days lost the way .
Since the days all of us reunited all members ,my father decided to move our family to Ky Dong Street district 3 both next to church and central of Saigon ,From here our studies had been settled after a long time always on move ,Since then I and my brothers had been studied in a school that was a branch of Lasan Tabert Saigon ,where I had been studied French language since I was only 9 years old ,but I didn't understand why I had changed into English language after three years studied French .
My father was a public servant so his salary only enough for my family's expenditure ,however my mother could save some money each month so after a period of time ,they could buy a small house for my family to live ,Everyday we went to school by bicycle ,my sister had been taken by my father or our relatives ,we didn't have to think of our life ,everything had been managed by mother ,what a great housewife !
All of us had escaped from the wicked plot of the new ruling circles ,but behind us my grandmother was denounced publicly (dau to ) .She had been denounced publicly since we were still at home ,I remembered ,one night while we were playing in the front yard ,there were three people with weapons in hands they had came into our house illegally through the front gate and arrested my Grandmother then brought her to the Church's Yard to denounce publicly ,I rushed to them to embrace and keep my grandmother but suddenly one of them draw his gun on me then took my grandmother away . I run behind them to the Church's Yard ,they tied her hands by a rope then forced her kneel on a slap of rock .They waited for someone such as her adopted children and her servants came by her to beat or scold and tell of her mistakes ,but unfortunately ,there weren't any of them doing that ,so finally a stranger had been taken to the Church's Yard ,who didn't live in my village ,and nobody knew where he came from to perform those things ,What a shame ! they deceived public ,they tricked villagers by taken a clown to perform the tricks ! The Church's Yard was very quiet ,nobody supported their tricks ,What a shame ! But finally my grandmother had been fallen down on the Yard .Damn it !Damn it !
After we escaped from their wicked plots ,my grandmother had been denounced publicly many times again ,then at last my grandmother had a vomiting of blood and died then she had been wrapped up in a mat and burried away until now nobody could know where my grandmother's tomb was !, God bless her ! and God bless them ,the wicked new ruling circles ! Oh my God ,Please take away from my heart and my mind this enmity !If my grandmother had agreed to leave with us she would haven't been killed by the wicked new ruling circles !
Time went too fast ,I had been passed the junior high school final exam by the year of 1963 ,and In this year a political even happened ,A coup d'etat of military circles to overthrow Ngo Dinh Diem government , made South Viet nam became chaos ,then the following years the situation more and more complex then in Spring of the year 1968 the conflict happened between both sides of vietnamese people ,there were so many vietnamese people had been fallen down on this land due to unrighteous political ambitions .It was the turning point of my life ,I had to say goodbye to my University ,where I had been studied the second year ,to volunteer into the second course of Political warfare College in Da Lat .During two years I had been trained ,I had been taught to research and analyse lots of political theories that they were applying at that time till nowadays and studied lots of political regimes to understand their good side as well as bad side and their aftermaths that had influenced to the daily life of people and society Through two years I studied at Polwar College I felt my knowledge had been expanded upon every field from culture ,economics as well as politics ,Those were valuable knowledge for me to enter the complex society to know how to get success on the battlefield of ideology .
Life wasn't a smooth route and fate of the country wasn't a peaceful series of days either ,the rise and fall of the history has brought about the separation and sufferings ,after the death of my father for our future ,came the deepest historical change That hasn't only influenced over the daily life of a nation at that time but also over many future generations ! The change of ruling circles brought about new ideology ,new political power with new political ambitions ,and on its way ,the political cyclone has destroyed all what that didn't belong to them pitilessly , half of population of the country has been discriminated , compatriots became their political opponents due to their hostility ,and half of population has been focused into the concentration camps that have just been built to detain their compatriots ,that political cyclone has also destoyed next young generations ,their future has been eliminated from the competition for behavior ,position in the society and economic and political interests .Millions of children have been given up their studies due to the difference of ideology , class difference of their fathers , their uncles ,brothers even their grandfathers or grandmothers ,Three next generations have been abolished from the competitions ruthlessly in their country due to hostility ,revenge ,and discrimination in behavior of unrighteous political ambitions and by political power !
My mother once more has been sacrificed her life for her children ,her sons ,son-in-law has been focused into concentration camps , It seemed she was born into this land to breed prisoners ,from her husband to her children have been detained due to the unrighteous political ambitions of wicked political power ,She had to fight against dangerous political plots that threatened her life and her husband and children's lives .She has stood up powerfuly then opened widely her arms to protect them when they were in danger ,She came to remote areas to visit them even though the routes full of obstacles and difficult to access ,She had gone into the deep jungle to encourage them when they were in the most disappointed situations ,She has been being a courageous and smart woman in this unrest and chaotic land!
Dear my beloved mother ,your whole life has been sacriificing for husband and children ,you came anywhere we had been detained even though it was among the deep jungles as well as at a dangerous and difficult to access remote areas ,you had come and encouraged us whenever we were in danger and the most disappointed plights as well .Nowadays at the age of 96 ,even though your body are paining all days and nights due to hardships you had done for husband and children during your past years ,but you always reminds me about my daughter's future ,I know you do want your granddaughter will be grown up in a land where she won't be discriminated in behavior due to her grandfather and father's past ,where she can be educated and trained in a free and equal environment without governing of unrighteous political ambitions and wicked political powers ,where her future won't be impeded due to her family's curriculum vitae .
My dear mother ,please trust me !I promise I will take care of her and at any cost ,with my friends' help ,I will take her to a better environment to satisfy your aspiration Please trust and wait for me ,my dear Mom !

My wonderful smart Mother

July 2nd ,2008 .

When country met bad luck I was working at a training center in Long Xuyen Province as tactical instructor after I had been wounded two times ,Long Xuyen was the peaceful land so my Battalion had been reinforced to Chuong Thien province battlefield ,specially during the time before Paris Convention to be signed ,on behalf of an assistant Commander of the Company since I was accredited to the mobile Battalion ,almost operations of the Company I had to command instead a captain ,who has just been accredited to from a training center ,In the operations to seize land of opponent before Paris Convention to be signed ,my Company had to operate over a large battlefield of Kien Giang and Chuong thien provinces ,and these days I had been wounded two times within 6 months ,the first in Kien Giang and the second in Chuong Thien ,after that I had been accredited in the position as chief of operating department and concurrent post political warfare officer of a new Battalion for 6 months then moved to training center of the province until the country met bad luck !
During the first days of the bad luck, Long Xuyen was still peaceful land ,the change of ruling circles only occured after a long time of negotiation between the old and new ruling cicles ,I only returned my mother's home in Saigon after three days of bad luck ,May 3rd!
My fate and millions of the others had been tied by the Bad Luck of the country ,as soon as the new ruling circles were in power ,the suspicion appeared immediately ,revenge happened everywhere and discriminttion against the old people occured around the south even hostility between people and people happened all over the southern cities and provinces then who stood in different frontlines before had been focused into concentration camps throughout the country .I wasn't an exception ,I had been detained in former headquarter of 25th Division ,then had been sent to the border of Cambodia ,Ka Tum, among an immense jungle to be forced labor ,like millions of the others throughout the country included in the North ,I had to cut trees down then carried them to the fixed places to build shacks to live among jungles ,day by day we had to have some manioc for lunch and dinner ,sometime we had to have job's tears ,a strange food we haven't seen it before ,they are very hard thus it was very difficult to have ,by 1978 war bursted out between Vietnam and Cambodia along the borders we had to be moved to Tan Hiep prison ,during this period of time we had been brain washed by political lessons and the songs so called revolution's songs and since then all of us had been managed by police forces instead of military forces ,and one night ,Christmas Night ,Dec 24th 1978 whole prisoners in Tan Hiep concetration camp had held to celebrate Christmas Ceremony in front of surprise of their Headquarter ,During we celebrated the unforgetable Christmas Ceremony at an empty shack in the camp, guard forces had besieged us outside the wire fence ,Mass had been held with Christmas songs had been sung loudly and flew into the immense space at late night ,It was A wonderful Christmas Night I never forget it !we finished our Christmas quietly and returned our shacks orderly !
Day after day we continued to be forced labor and brain washed but suddenly I had been summoned to their headquarter to be questioned ,after about one hour of question without result they let me went back the shack ,I didn't mind what would happen to me in the coming days and couple months later I and lots of my colleagues had been moved to a camp in central Vietnam , A20 Xuan Phuoc in Tuy Hoa ,the new camp was located under the foot of a range of mountains , where I lasted my unhappy days ,there were lots of detainees had escaped from this concentration camp but they had been arrested again or had been shot to death .During this period of time ,even though we had been forced to do hard works but each day we had to have some pieces of boiled manioc only ,but fortunately ,this period of time we could get food from our family via post office ,if not there would be lots of us had been died of hunger or had been died of exhaustion !
One day they had ordered me to collect all my clothes with the world" re-education"(Cai Tao )behind our shirts to move to another place outside the camp with the others ,we didn't know what we had to suffer in the coming days . Day after day we continued going into the jungle around the camp to cut wood for cooking of whole camp.we had been separated from our friends inside the camp .Nobody could know what happen to us in the coming days ,but finally we were called again to move into camp to get released certificate , there were lot of us had been released on that day ,after listened to released decision and got certificates we had been transported to La Hay train station to catch train to go back home. I got home on Christmas Day ,Dec 25th 1980 in the joy of my mother and my sister ,my mother's joy had been doubled because My younger brother had also been released the same day with me .We had been managed by new local ruling circles for a long time ,and one day my family decided to let me escape from Vietnam by boat but unfortunately ,on the way to Vung Tau where we would be on board ,whole my family had been arrested at Long Thanh district and been imprisoned in prison of the District for three months then I and some my relatives had been moved to concentration camp of Bau Lam that belonged to Xuyen Moc District for three months ,and finally once more I had been moved to Bien Hoa where was the former military station of French Army before .By August 19th 1982 ,I had been released but I had to be managed until 1987 ,since then I had been free .After escaped from their management I earned my living by carpentry ,I dared not return to my mother's home because I left my local without permission one and a half years ago .I wandered throughout Bien Hoa town as a carpenter ,sometime on weekend I went back to visit my beloved mother ,who took care of me during my unhappy long seven years . Since then I step by step to settle my life with my wife's help ,a kind and generous girl in Bien Hoa .She has helped me since I was just released from the prison until she and me decided to get married 18 years ago .
It was very fortunately for me ,as soon as I escaped from their management ,English had been taught again in high schools and with my wife's help I could find some places to teach as a private tutor ,At daytime ,I worked as a carpenter ,where need to repair house or something ,my wife told me came to contact with the owners to repair ,due to her acquaintance I could have works to do and earn my living day by day ,at night I came some places ,where she knew them ,to teach for their children or came to private Foreign language centers to teach some tutoring classes ,step by step I could find more and more classes .She was a kind and generous single woman ,with her honest manner and helpful our relationship became more closer and understood each other ,from the friendship we got to the relationship that we could share happiness and sadness in our lives ,and finally we decided to get married by a simple wedding to live together in the years of 1990 and at the end of the year we had first daughter .
In our daily life we were hard to overcome the rumor or pieces of slander from her friends or some her relatives due to she dared get married with a prisoner even though they only knew me since the days I had been released with a job as a carpenter ,but for her ,her view was very clearly ,she got married with people she loved even he was a carpenter or a former prisoner ! For me ,I understood what she had been suffered since the date she got married with me ,I tried my best to show them know that I wasn't only a normal carpenter ,I could do many things that they couldn't do when they get older ,And there were lots of her friends had recognized it so far ,nowadays there were lots of her friends had been dismissed from government office or retired ,they couldn't do anything else to manage their families' life due to level of education too poor ! The discrimination against the old and the new clung to on their mind and hearts It coudn't wash so the hostility between them will last forever and ever in this society !the discrimination between religions was a deep hole that never can be removed away from their heart and mind that was the main reason that caused the deep divisions in society today .what a shame for narrow mind people !
Nowadays good speeches couldn't cheat anybody else ,their mouth spoke good words but in their hearts the hostility , discrimination , revenge were governed and they were ready to burst out when they need !
War has been ended for more than thirty years ,but the discrimination between old and new still exist ,hostility still be seen in all fields of the daily life and children of the old still be suffered unfairness in behavior of the society and some religion still be suffered suspicion and be discriminated ,.
It was a long stage of road enough for a serious looking back to correct what that made the country became weak ,division, hostile ,revenge ,open narrow mind ,open our generous and humane heart, all children must be equal in their studies ,in behavior .
It is time to bury unrighteous political ambitions and narrow political point of view , out- of -dated concept to pursue modern thoughts ,fair behavior and equal to everybody thoughout the country Let's look at the past and correct wrong deeds of the past for progress of mankind , but the first is our nation ,our compatriots !

It was enough for looking back

June 30th 2008